I haven't posted a journal in a while, but I feel like now is a good time to talk about myself.
I'm not very good at doing it, but I've been in a very dark place recently and I just want to get it off my chest.
I hope you won't get bored if I start rambling, ahaha! ( ´ ▽ ` )
To put it simply, I've been very suicidal as of late. I've gotten back into self harm, and attempted to kill myself on Sunday afternoon, although I didn't succeed (which is obvious, since I could hardly write this from beyond the grave, could I?)
On Monday, I told my Mum how I felt, and stayed home from school to think about my life. And it hit me, very quickly and scarily- I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't process any kind of thought.
The worst part was that I realised I'd stopped caring about anything.
On Tuesday, I went into school and explained my feelings, and was allowed to stay out of my classes for the day. However, I felt like an inconvenience, and consequently stole scissors from the school and self harmed before the end of lunch.
Today, I woke up and decided that today was the day I would kill myself. I was determined to do it.
Up until a teacher asked me how I was feeling, and I burst into tears.
To cut a long story short, I was sent to the hospital to stay in on suicide watch overnight, but was determined safe enough to be sent home again.
I don't know if I'll kill myself tomorrow or not. For my sake, I hope I do. But for others sake, I'm hoping I'll hold out for a bit longer.
I haven't been officially diagnosed with depression, so I don't believe I am depressed, but I do lack any sense of self-worth. I don't believe I deserve anything good from life, or any respect or praise. I place myself last on my list of priorities. Everything I do feels like one big waste of time and energy that could have been beneficial to another person.
The teachers think I have depression, however, and there is a very long history of serious mental illness in my family.
I'm writing this here because it doesn't feel like I can ever talk about how I feel anywhere other than vent accounts on Twitter and Tumblr. A lot of my friends respond awkwardly or jokingly to me when I try to bring it up, or they just sound bored to the point that I feel self conscious and make myself shut up.
But I'm so, so tired of pretending I'm okay. It just ruins me more.
Pretending to be okay is like trying not to react when you're shot in the thigh. It hurts you more than keeping it together, and acting like it's fine just makes it worse and worse till you can't do anything about it.
I had a bad secret that I was told to keep for a very long time, and when I told it, someone I cared for very much was taken away. A lot of my communication issues stem from this, as far as I'm aware.
A taught behaviour is very hard to break away from, unless you have the willpower.
And I'm severely lacking in willpower nowadays, as you may have guessed, ahaha.
Like I said, I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I can't give an answer as to whether or not I'll be alive by the end of the week. But if something does happen to me, then I want you all to know that I'm really glad to have known you all.
A lot of you probably won't see this, but I'm really glad I have you all. Alisha, Geo, Cat, Bri, Mike, Alex, Casey, Andrea, Lexi, Rika, all of you, even Dec- I'm really happy to be your friends, even if I can be boring a lot of the time.
You always make me laugh, especially Geo and Andrea. And not like a forced laugh, I mean genuinely giggling and snorting out loud whenever I read something you guys have said. Andrea, I was really happy when you called me a good friend of yours. I'm glad I could be there for you regarding stuff that's happened with you recently.
Spending time with Alisha was one of my absolute favourite things in the world, and it's one of the things I really would miss if I do die. I always laugh loads when I'm with you, and I'm really happy when you laugh with me, too. You're one of the people I can't ever replace.
Ahaha, this is getting really overly-emotional. I'm just rambling at this point. But I really do love you all.
And for my American friends, happy thanksgiving.